December 5, 2011 § Leave a Comment
I know I may come off as a classy young lady. I will move right now to avoid being struck by lightning… So maybe I’m a foul mouth promiscuous bitch, but nobody’s perfect. I would like to think that the moments when I am in the midst of being intimate with that special someone (or not so special someone, shut up!), I am the vision of perfection. This is of course the furthest possible thing from the truth.
Lets be real, people really aren’t giving you the once over before they have sex with you. Do you really think someone is going to take the time to say “Hey bitch, your eyeliner is uneven” or “Girl your toes don’t match your fingernails, your polish game is wack”. It is unlikely that these things would happen, but I’m still paranoid and try to avoid embarrassing moments at all costs.
I have however noticed after sex that I’ve fucked up somehow, somewhere and I was mortified. Now I know I call myself Bare Kitten, but I think sometimes I should be called the “I missed a patch, Kitten”. That’s probably the one thing that bothers me the most is when I find after the fact that I missed a spot. Please don’t come at me on some shit like oh why don’t I just go get waxed, lasered, or whatever people do nowadays to remove hair. I hate pain! (This coming from the girl who likes to be choked in bed, yea I don’t get it either). I’m old school, I buff then shave with a regular razor so that leaves a lot of room for error.
I’ve also had some other snafu’s in the bedroom. I have a nasty habit of chewing gum and sometimes I forget to spit it out before I start sucking dick. Yes, you guessed it, the gum gets stuck on his man business. This usually results in that particular gentleman getting quite annoyed with me. I know its embarrassing and I try to remember to spit out my gum before I go crotch diving.
There have also been times when I’ve let fellas go down on me with the sole purpose of making me climax. 45 minutes later and half his face being numb I have to pry him off my vag and tell him that I forgot I took pain killers and can’t feel much. I’ve gotten cursed out for this too, but you know I’m getting older and I forget shit from time to time :p.
I know a few of you have had some “wrong hole” fiascos. I sure have! Not that anal isn’t something I would like to try, but when you are getting it on with a guy who has a rather large penis and he rams the back door at 5omph you want to die! I’m a trooper though, I cursed, slapped him in the face, and after a few minutes of wincing in pain, we went right back to what we were doing.
I’m also sure there are some wig/weave blunders out there. I’m in a swingers club getting it on with the guy I wrote about in “Hot Swaps” and he rips off the wig I was wearing as part of a disguise. It wasn’t intentional but he was really into it and just assumed that it was my hair and decided to give it a friendly tug. Well if you have ever worn a wig and had a face full of makeup you know that once that wig comes off you look like a straight up drag queen ( I love my drag queens, but I’m saying!). Luckily he thought I looked sexier without it. So I fixed my hair and we kept it moving.
I also have a bad habit of “hopping off” before the ride is over. Hey fellas, if you busted a nut, please throw me off the bed, do a two-step or sing a fucking song please. Sometimes, its hard to tell if a guy has climaxed. Some guys try to hide it and let me keep going because they know there is a good chance I will curse them out if they nutted off too quick. I promise I will be nice if you promise to tell me that I can stop because you came already!
I have many more blunders, but in the interest of dignity, I won’t share all of them with you! I think I’ve embarrassed my self enough
November 26, 2011 § Leave a Comment
So they say a woman knows within the first 15 minutes of meeting a man whether or not she’s fucking him. Well there’s a lot of probability going on there (I knew I should have fucking paid more attention in math class!). There are so many factors that play into whether or not you are fuckable. If you are digging this chick, you are hoping that you have “what it takes” to get in them drawers.
Us women look at things like looks, manners, behavior, demeanor, personality, sense of humor and if you are a fake ass prostitute like I described in “Paying for Pu$$y” you are looking at his paper stack. That’s a lot for a guy to worry about.
Women also like to dangle pussy over a dude’s head. Not really sure why when we stand to gain from giving it up. Most girls will make a guy jump through hoops before she puts out and that’s if she even does it at all.
So your trusted friend Bare Kitten is here to give you some quick tips to up your “fuckability”.
1. Be neat!: We love nothing more than a nicely dressed, well groomed, clean/neatly shaven dude, yummy smelling dude. Get your appearance game on point before you try getting in our pants.
2. Keep it Real: We know you are trying to impress us. What is not impressive is finding out later that you lied to do so. So be honest! Good, bad, ugly or indifferent always tell the truth. We will respect you more for it.
3. Save the machismo for your homeboys: I’ve had people tell me things or express bravado in front of me that was not only unnecessary but kinda scary. I don’t need to know that you have a gun in your glove box or you beat down some dude. That shit is not attractive.
4. Never, I mean Never lie on your dick!: I’ve had guys waste my extra-large condoms trying to fake like their shit is huge. Um, hey dummy I can see it and know your ass can fit a regular! Not only is that a waste, it makes you look stupid so don’t do it.
5. Cut the bullshit!: Now this doesn’t work for every girl, so you have to go on a case by case basis. I hate it when people flirt and make “suggestions”. I have very limited patience. If you want to fuck me, just ask! In this way, if the answer is no you wouldn’t have wasted your time and mine flirting.
Try out some of these tips to see if they improve your fuckability. Its really a game of chance and probability but if you play your cards right the odds will be in your favor!
November 15, 2011 § Leave a Comment
November 15, 2011 § 1 Comment
What qualifies someone as a hoe? Is it the number of people you have gotten busy with? Is it how soon you give it up? Nowadays, we throw that word around like its nothing.
To some people, calling them a hoe is enough to start a fight. For others it’s a term of endearment, like saying “me and my hoes are going to the club”. The stigma attached to this word is weird. It started off as highly offensive and is now more casual speech than insult. In a way, its history is akin to that of the notorious “n-word”.
So how do I personally feel about the word? I don’t have much of a take on it to be honest. No one has ever called me that (shocking right!). Maybe its my “don’t fuck with me” demeanor, but it just hasn’t happened. I mean sure, my homegirls and I toss the word around in an affectionate way but no one has ever thrown it at me in a derogatory fashion. I do take issue with people randomly calling women “hoes”. Maybe that’s my feminist side screaming at the signs of injustice, but after women being called bitches for so long its kinda just another one in the bucket.
The one thing I do have a problem with is the men who “get around” turning that word on a woman who does the same. Listen, this isn’t 1920, we are all entitled to our sexual freedom without judgment. However, women still get classified as hoes if we do the exact same thing that male hoes do. Aren’t we as a society past this yet? I mean we can do pretty much anything a man can do (except maybe opening jars:)) and are considered equals in the eyes of most so why is this still a problem?
One important question I had to ask myself when writing this is if I consider myself a “hoe”. I write about sex, and consider my experiences “research” (shut up!). However, I’m not sure what the criteria is to be considered one in terms of today’s standards. Have I done things sexually that I’m not proud of? Sure, I think everyone has. That is one of the perils of sexual experimentation and dating.
I guess we are many years away from being seen by society as equal to men in terms of sexual exploration. Until then, what we put in our vaginas will be the scrutiny of the public. Although what we do behind closed doors shouldn’t matter, the internet and social media has opened the floodgates to not only self-expression (clothed or un-clothed) but also excessive judgment.
Feel free to sound off on this touchy subject. I would love to hear your opinion!
November 2, 2011 § Leave a Comment
We’ve all done dumb shit in the sack that has either dried up a pussy or made a dick go limp. I’m here to warn you of some of the things that I have done that have pissed people off or are just plain old stupid.
1. Don’t tell that person they look like someone else: I’ve made the mistake of telling someone before sex that he looked like an actor. The problem was that this person actually knew that actor and had “beef” with them. We still got it on, but I did see him roll his eyes a few times while munching on my taco.
2. Turn off the tv!: I know I’ve said that you need to turn off the phone but the tv is just as important. I was getting it on with this dude and it just so happened that my favorite episode of Family Guy came on. He wasn’t too pleased when I started singing “Its Peanut Butter Jelly Time” while I was on top of him. Oh well…
3. Make sure you have your “supplies”: There is nothing worse than getting all hot with someone only to discover you are out of condoms or lube. The mood disappears real fast when one or both of you have to run to the store. So make sure you stock up!
4. Know their damn name!: Its gotten to the point where I’ve actually asked people if they could wear a damn name tag! Not saying I get around (ok, I do but not too much!) But some folks have names that are just hard to remember. When in doubt, always say shit like “Oh Baby” don’t even try to scratch your brain for their name or you might fuck it up.
5. Close & Lock the Door!: This is important if you do not live alone. If the door is locked, your mind is more at ease and its easier for you to concentrate. Unless you’re an exhibitionist, lock up tight. Now if you are banging it out on the kitchen table and get caught, you are on your own, can’t help ya there!
6. Leave food out of the bedroom: this is a good rule of thumb. Some foods are just messy or are not meant to be used during sex. Take it from the girl who has thrown out honey laced bed sheets, it gets ugly. Some things can even be bad for you. Ladies don’t sugar up your vag, because you can get yeast infections that way. And for my fellow gum chewers, throw it out before you hit the bed. I can’t tell you the number of things I’ve gotten gum on because I forgot to spit it out. So save the food for the kitchen!
7. Forgetting your safe word: This is not only stupid but could get you seriously injured or killed (gulp!). Make sure that you and your partner go over your safe word before you start choking each other or whatever freaky shit it is that you’re into. Once again, mine is “Peanut Butter Popcorn”, write that down somewhere in case we ever meet
8. Not wearing a condom: if you are in a serious, monogamous relationship bareback it up (after being tested of course). However, if you are more of a casual lover, your ass needs to be wearing a rubber EVERY TIME!!! Ladies, its 2011, if he says he doesn’t have one, you should or he gets no love. So wrap it up every time or I will beat that ass with my shoe (yes, the one you are looking at right now so behave!)
9. Don’t get caught with your pants down!: I absolutely love public sex. The list of places I have had sex outdoors is almost shameful. Make sure you are discreet and mindful of your surroundings or you could end up bare ass in the back of a police cruiser.
10. Tell your partner about any quirks you have: for me, if you touch certain spots on my back or my feet I wig the fuck out. I’ve kicked someone in the face for mishandling my feet. Everyone has little strange things about them. Ask or risk finding out the hard way!
October 31, 2011 § Leave a Comment
If you so much as say the word “boyfriend” to me I get sick. I mean I start to turn colors, my stomach gets unsettled, shit just sitting here typing about it makes me queasy. So why am I “uncuffable”? I’ve been wondering the same thing. I mean sure I want to be “happy” in a conventional sense, but to be quite honest, I’m perfectly happy by myself!
My friends are always trying to set me up with guys saying “he will be good for you” when in actuality, I’m good for me. I usually do the old dating song and dance anyway just because its cool to have someone new to talk to. However, that usually doesn’t last very long. I’m not particularly picky with men, I just want him to be smart, funny and ambitous. Not asking for much right? Leave it to some fool to say some dumb shit and its a wrap. The older I get, the less patience I have for bullshit.
Sure I’ve been hurt, cheated on, lied to all the usual crap, but that’s not the reason. I give every new man in my life a clean slate. Unfortunately, it doesn’t take long for most to dirty that shit up. I’ve gotten rid of men for things as simple as them wanting to cuddle or wanting too much of my time. I give everyone the disclaimer up front which usually reads “I have a hectic schedule, and I will make time for you if I like you” but people just don’t understand that.
Another issue I have is my privacy. I absolute cherish my privacy. If I want to run around naked, watch porn all day or stuff my face with junk food that’s my business. I don’t like being asked what I’m doing, where I’ve been or who I’ve been with. I don’t have issues with infidelity. When Mr. Right comes around, the Mr. Right-Nows get cut off. I am just accustomed to my freedom and don’t want it interfered with.
Maybe its my independence that keeps me wanting to stay single. As I’ve said before, I really don’t need a man for much. I don’t want him paying my bills, opening jars, or other silly shit “boyfriends” are supposed to do. Just spark a decent conversation, make me laugh, share your dreams with me and poke me with your woody on a regular basis. That’s really all I need. I can do everything else by myself just fine.
Will I ever settle down? Your guess is as good as mine. I’m getting older and do I want to be in the clubs at 60, shit I hope not. However, for now, I’m quite comfortable being “available”.
October 30, 2011 § Leave a Comment
Although I got my “start” in sex at a very young age, up until age 17, I was one of those boring, lame lays. Now that I think back on it, I was just a wee teenager and sexual ability should not have even been a factor. So let me tell you about the young man who helped turn me into the sexual deviant that I am today.
It was a chilly Detroit winter evening. I was new to the city and was supposed to be meeting up with some new friends for a house party. Keep in mind, I didn’t know anyone in Detroit at this point in my life which was my senior year in high school. This was way before the days of gps and needless to say, I got lost like a motherfucker. It was about 2am, and I’m sitting in my car in a parking lot. I couldn’t go back home because I was supposed to “sleeping over” at a new friends house. So I was basically stuck, I couldn’t find this party, I couldn’t go home and I didn’t know what to do.
So there I am sitting in the car, freezing my ass off trying to figure out what to do until it was time to go home. Just then, a silver Jaguar pulls up in front of me. Out steps this really hot guy, lets call him Pete. He comes and knocks on my window. He says “what’s such a pretty young girl doing out here at this time of night, don’t you know it’s not safe”. I damn near broke down in tears and told him what had happened. As it turns out, he was 25 (super illegal!) and since we couldn’t hit up a bar, club or any other place since I was underage, he suggested we go chill at his house.
Any other day, I would never have done this because I know how dangerous it is. I mean here I am a pretty young girl in an unfamiliar city at 2 am. So against my better judgment,I follow him to his house. He was pretty cool, we chatted for hours, he made me breakfast and we sat there an chilled out and watched tv until it was time for me to go home.
We started dating because we hit it off immediately. He would page me (yes, this was back in the day of beepers!) while I was in school and as soon as that bell rang, it was off to the city to his house. The first time we got it on was on the floor in his living room. After a few romps over the next few months, he basically sits me down for the talk. He says, “babe, you are beautiful, you should really bring that to the bedroom”. I mean listen, at this point in my life, I was worried about getting into college and trying to score booze. I had no idea what he meant. He was like you should dress up and be more aggressive. I was still kinda lost at this point but he showed me the ropes.
I spent a good portion of my part-time salary on lingerie, heels and other shit that was super inappropriate for a 17-year-old. I should have been buying tapes (yes, I’m old! shut up), makeup and other nonsense, but noooo, I was buying sex stuff. He would surprise me with all kinds of goodies, including my very first sex toy. Pete is the man who I give the credit for “turning me out”. He flipped my “freak switch” to ON and for the last decade and a half, I haven’t been able to turn it off, not that I would want to.
I learned my dick sucking, riding, stripteasing and swallowing skills from Pete. So for all you fellas out there (not saying there’s a lot!) that know why they all me “Bare Kitten” you owe Pete a sincere debt of gratitude. If it weren’t for him, I’d probably be a lame bitch in bed that just lays there and takes it. I don’t know what became of Pete, but I’m sure if we crossed paths’ today, he would be very proud of the monster he created!
October 24, 2011 § Leave a Comment
This is something that I consider very personal. I’m gonna be real honest with you here and tell you how I used to feel about it. My thought was that you could put a condom on a dick but you can’t put condom on a tongue. Rough, right? Yea, I know, I live in a very black and white world with little to no room for gray. Back to kissing though, its something that to me, has been and somewhat continues to be more intimate than sex.
I’m not sure when I stopped kissing boys, maybe in my early 20′s but I have only recently taken it back up. Now that I have, it happens for me under two circumstances. First is if I really like someone and second is if it happens during foreplay then it makes me wetter.
I’ve had plenty of guys ask if they can kiss me and my answer was always “Na, I don’t do that”. However, if a guy grabs me and kisses me, its unlikely that I will resist. Of course it has to be someone who I know intimately, not some random dude on the 6 train.
So let me tell you who re-popped my kissing cherry. Last summer I went on a date in Harlem with this really hot, muscular guy. The date was cool and he was super hot. I’m not gonna go into too many details but towards the end of a really good date, we kissed for damn near an hour and it really turned me on. As tempted as I was, I left it at that and took my happy ass home. We dated for a while and he turned out to be a douche (story of my life!) but I have him to thank for reintroducing me to such a simple pleasure.
I’m still not all the way into kissing yet, it really depends on the person. I will never initiate the kissing because I still feel that I am rusty at it since I gave it up for so long. I also feel the same way about kissing as I do sucking dick (hold on, let me explain!). There are some men and women who are just more kissable than others (See “Fellatious“). Some people give off that vibe that they don’t want their mouth nowhere near yours (I’m guilty of that!) and you really don’t want to be bothered. Then there are some folks who just beg to be kissed. Whether it’s the shape of the lips or their demeanor, you just can’t help yourself.
So will I ever get fully back into the kissing game? It’s hard to say. Maybe if I was in a committed relationship with say a boyfriend *vomit* then I would be more open to it. However, since the boyfriend thing is off the table for me at the moment I guess it’s a crap shoot as to whose lips I’m pressing mine up against next.