Anal Sex: The Good and The Bad

October 8, 2013 § 1 Comment

I’ve been meaning to write this for a while. Last you heard from me on the subject, I had yet to try anal. Of course, that has long since changed. So, you know I had to share my experiences with you. I really wish someone (other than me!) had given me some advice before I tried it but I followed my own advice from Adventures in Anal and fared pretty well.

Lets start with the good. Now anal is one of my favorite things about sex. All deliveries must go in the rear (ok, not all but most!). That’s how much I like it. I actually prefer it to regular old vaginal sex sometimes. I don’t know if it’s the idea of it or the actual feeling but it feels damn good and not just for him but for me. Fellas if you haven’t tried it yet, you must, its wonderful. Now, I know I’m telling you the good, but I have to be very clear about this, yes it does hurt! Don’t let anyone tell you any different ladies, it fucking hurts. We will get to how to deal with that and make your way to pleasure in a minute. For me personally, it typically takes vag sex first, a lot of dirty talk, some porn doesn’t hurt and a toy in there first works for me. Everyone is different, so you will have to see what gets you to the point of wanting to try it or do it again ( I know some who have sworn off it after the first time).

Now for the bad. Lets be real about this. Someone is putting something in your butt. If you read that and got grossed out, this clearly is not for you. Go read about kittens or some shit. Here’s the honest truth about the bad things and how to get around them:

  1. First things first, it hurts. Did I mention it hurts? Well you are going to experience pain no matter what, but it’s up to your partner to mitigate that pain. Ramming it in your ass is not only dangerous, but extremely painful. I’ve straight up kicked a dude out my house for pulling that little stunt. The key here is speed. If your partner goes very slow and progresses as you feel comfortable you will be just fine and you will absolutely love it!
  2. Build up to it: You can deal with the discomfort if you’re turned on. This burden falls on both you and your partner. If you need porn to get you going, queue up some before you start. If he needs to lick the kitty beforehand so be it. You can deal with the pain if you’re distracted by how much you’re turned on.
  3. If you’re going to double dip, clean up first. Meaning, if he’s going from ass to vag or vice versa it is imperative, that he cleans up first. Lots of condoms and baby wipes are good for this reason. You cannot take it out her ass and put it in her vag! should be common sense, but that eludes some people
  4. Lube it up: You need lots of lube. Your ass is not an extension of your vagina and has no natural system for lubrication or moisture. Use regular lube, not the kind that desensitizes you. I know you may not like pain, but in this case it is useful. If the pain is too much, you need to stop. You won’t know this if you have used lube that cancels sensation.
  5. No drugs or alcohol! Go dry (not in the ass!) for this one. Although you may think you need a drink to loosen up, you also don’t feel pain as much when you’re drunk or high and could seriously hurt yourself.
  6. Be neat: Don’t do this on your nice sheets (watch Zach & Miri make a porno if you need an unpleasant reminder). Lay down towels, keep towels handy and baby wipes are your friend here
  7. If the condom breaks, you must replace it! No cheating here, the capillaries in your ass are much thinner and subject to rupture which leads to faster disease transmission. Read above, keep plenty of condoms on hand.
  8. Talk your way through it: I’m not one for a lot of regular conversation during sex, but this is an exception. You need to tell your partner if you’re uncomfortable or if you need to stop for any reason. I talk to my partner a lot more during anal than regular sex. I don’t want to be anymore uncomfortable than I may already be so this is important. Don’t be afraid to speak up, people aren’t mind readers and need to know if they are doing something wrong.
  9. Be prepared for the worst: I’m not going to go into details here but you know the old saying if you poke a beehive… Yes, it can happen, see number 6 if you need a graphic reminder. However, if you’re poking around back there you are prepared for the possibility that it can happen. I try to maintain a clean diet, but its helpful if you eat clean prior and try not to eat before you do it. You should also use an enema beforehand. Again, if that grosses you out, go read about the fucking kittens.
  10. Get it ready: Ladies, you can prepare yourself by sticking toys in there first when you’re alone. You need lube for that too. Keep in mind you should have designated toys for that and should clean them thouroughly after each use. If you can’t get past this step, be patient and try it a little at a time. If you’re still having trouble, stick to the other holes, anal may not be for you.
  11. Fellas do not be A-G-G-R-E-S-S-I-V-E: (yes, I was a cheerleader!) This is not the time to show how much of a man you are, you need to be real sensitive to your partner and her needs. Pay attention to her face. If she’s wincing or about to cry, you need to pull back. Ask her little by little how she feels. You will know when you’re in it and she likes it because she will be asking you for more/harder etc.
  12. Double Penny: Ladies, it can’t hurt to have some toys on hand when you do it. Once you’re comfortable with anal, your vag might get kinda lonely so if you have a dildo, etc. to keep it company all the better for you!
  13. Rinse and Repeat: Showering after sex is a no-brainer, but particularly in this situation. And, I am totally kidding about the repeat part, at least not right away. That area might be tender a few hours later so give your body some time to recover before going at it again ladies.
  14. Talk to others about it: This is a double-edged sword. I’ve talked to some who loved it and others who hated it. This is probably why it took me so long to try it because I kept getting mixed reviews. Listen to what the person has to say and why they did or did not like it. There reasons may or may not preclude you from trying it. In the end you have to decide for yourself if its something you want to try.
  15. Positions: Positions for anal aren’t really the same as vaginal in my opinion. Some are more comfortable in vaginal vs. anal. It’s really trial and error. It would be helpful the first time to be in a position to see the person’s face so that you can judge their reactions and gauge yours. My easiest positions for this were the spoon position and doggy style. However, like I said, everyone is different.
  16. Relax!: This only works if you’re totally relaxed. This is not terribly easy, but it won’t hurt as much and he will be able to get more of it in if you are relaxed ladies.
  17. Resist the urge: This is probably the grossest part of this post, but you are going to feel the need to go initially. That urge will pass if you ignore it. Now, if it persists, you may not want to ignore it and you may need to address it. This is normal, but typically goes away rather quickly.

I’ve tried to be as thorough as I could because like I said, I wish someone would have sat down and given me at least some of the advice I’ve given to you. If you know how to reach me and have more questions, feel free to reach out. Otherwise, what are you waiting for, stop reading this and go stick your dick in someone’s ass or bend over and get you some girl!

How to Kick your Lover out after Sex

April 22, 2013 § 1 Comment

Have you ever looked at the person next to you after sex and just wish that they would disappear? I have that feeling all the time. During a casual discussion with a girlfriend a while back, we were talking about how comfortable dudes seem to make themselves after we’ve given them some. Really bruh? If we aren’t in a committed relationship or pursuing one, kindly pack your shit and get the fuck out when we are done. So how do you get that lingering lover to leave you alone, here’s some quick tips.

  1. Make yourself an “appointment”: Tell their ass you have somewhere you need to be in advance. Once they know that their time with you is limited, they will be less likely to inconvenience you with their presence. Keep looking at your watch just to reinforce the point.
  2. Get busy after you get busy: You know start cleaning up, doing the dishes, yank the sheets off the bed while they are still on it (just kidding! but no, seriously) if you make yourself look “busy” they will feel like they are intruding and leave a lot sooner than normal.
  3. Get the fuck out the bed: You can’t reasonably expect that person to leave if your ass is still lying there in post-coital bliss. Get up, read your email, take a shower, do anything but lay there. Let them know play time is over!
  4. Use your best poker face: You may be weak in the knee or overcome with orgasmic emotion, who the fuck cares, do you really want them to know that? Nope, if you want them out, act like your experience was fun, but not overwhelmingly exciting. If they feel like they got you, chances are they will want to bask in the radiance of their own ego while still laying their naked ass in your bed. That’s not what we want so keep a straight face and keep it moving!
  5. DO not, I repeat, offer this person food: You might as well order a moving truck and tell them to forward their mail to your house. A glass of water or a drink is acceptable but no meals! It’s going to take him/her time to finish their food then they may want to converse or watch tv or some other bullshit. If y’all are that damn hungry, get dressed and go to a diner or something.
  6. Shut the fuck up: If you want this person gone, do not engage them in a conversation. I’m not saying to be a dick and yell at them to get out, you can talk to them just no meaningful conversation. Keep it light!
  7. If you are at their place, follow steps 1-6, you are in control of not being in this person’s presence so get your shit and go. If you expect that person to leave promptly after sex at your place, don’t be an asshole, give them their space and get out when you are done.
  8. And the golden rule: Make sure this person knows that this is a casual sexual encounter, whether recurring or not, you need to make sure that they understand that. If they don’t or they want more that you are not able or willing to give you need to move on.

Follow these simple rules and you will have that piece of ass out of your house (or you will be out of theirs) in no time! Don’t complicate things, if its casual keep it casual. Please also keep in mind that my personality is a bit more abrasive than most people so you may want to take these tips lightly. I don’t encourage tossing people out on their ass, well unless of course they deserve it ;)

Selfie Self-Destruction

February 20, 2013 § Leave a comment

You can’t be on social media nowadays without seeing some dumb bitch in practically nothing chucking up deuces, posing or doing whatever stupid shit you kids do today. We all know what they are, but one has to ask themselves what causes this and why is it so fucking rampant? Are we not tired of seeing half-naked (or in some cases completely naked) broads puckering up for the camera? It’s so bad now that even dudes are cashing in on this sordid trend. With sites like twitter and Instagram, these awful pictures are at an unacceptable all-time high.

Now, you know me, I’m not old fashioned. I have nothing against a booty pic or Titty Tuesday contribution. However, there is a plethora of these pictures circulating our digital world. It’s as if some of these women can’t survive without constantly posting these sometimes absurd pictures of themselves.

So what causes one to participate in this shameful phenomenon? You, yes, that’s right you. Every time you “like” one of these self-indulgent pictures, you are essentially boosting the obviously low self-esteem of the person in the picture. If you like the picture, she feels better about herself and repeats the process, over and over again. Maybe you skimmed over that part where I mentioned low self-esteem as the cause so let’s go over that again. That is the root cause of “selfies” as they are so affectionately called. In my experience  some of the most beautiful women that I know do NOT constantly take pictures of themselves and plaster them all over the internet. Why is this you ask? Because they are self-confident and don’t need your assurance with the click of a button. It is the women, and now sadly young girls, who lack the confidence within themselves that feel the need to take these pictures. It’s as if they are screaming through the picture for a hug. And maybe that’s just what they need.

Another cause of this ludicrous phenomenon is main stream media. Everyone wants to look a certain way, a way that is sexually attractive to the opposite sex. In trying to emulate these images that they are shown on a daily basis, we see shoddy reproductions by average women seeking attention. I don’t know about you, but I’ve fucking had enough. No matter the cause, this needs to end. If you need a like on a picture to feel better about yourself, you have some deep seeded issues that are best dealt with by a professional. Your time would be better spent on a therapists’ couch instead of on the bathroom sink trying to capture the “right look”.

In some instances, these pictures are acceptable. That is if you are in the “image” business, where you use your likeness to turn a dollar. Now how you turn that dollar is on you, you know I don’t judge! For example, I think this is acceptable for porn stars, models (professional), etc, because that is what they are selling is their image. Outside of that, having a million pictures of yourself doing the duck face just gets to be fucking annoying after a while.

Now fellas, oh yes it’s time to talk about you. Unless you are personally and discreetly sending a girl (or boy, again, I don’t judge) a picture, keep your fucking shirt on bruh. I’ve seen too many profile pictures with guys doing all kinds of ridiculous fucking poses. Please, for the sake of your manhood, and my eyes, STOP IT!

So how do we put an end to these fucked up self-portraits? Well, you could try ignoring them for a change. If you don’t indulge them, maybe they will stop. If it’s a young person or someone that you care about, you would do better to pull the person aside and speak to them about it. Particularly in the case of young girls, you may want to find out what is going on in her life and why she feels the need to post such pictures. There may be some underlying issues that could be addressed before she heads down the wrong path. I don’t have the cure for this problem, but simple common sense should be used when approaching people who take these types of pictures. The more you essentially gas these people up, makes you part of the problem, not the solution.

I’m not a total asshole, I don’t mind seeing some nice pictures of you. But moderation is the fucking key. Try smiling and keeping it classy. Skip the duck face, unseductive, farsical pose and just take a decent fucking picture of yourself. You don’t need a double tap on my phone, a like or a retweet to know that you are beautiful!

What 90 days without sex will do to you…

June 13, 2012 § 4 Comments

The short answer is absolutely nothing. Today marks 90 days since the last time I have had “relations” with a person other than myself and my extensive collection of sex toys. I thought I should share my journey, since this is the first time since I’ve lost my virginity that I have gone this long without sex.

I gotta tell you, I thought I would be a wreck without sex and the truth is, I believe that I’m better off without it. I know you are probably about to disown me, close your browser and read something else, but I pray for you to hear me out. The last 90 days has given me a plethora of time to reflect on a lot of things without any “dickstractions”. I have been able to re-evaluate certain areas of my life without the nagging need for physical attention.

Some of the ways that I have improved myself are that I have started eating better and actually exercising outside the bedroom. I realized that when I was having sex, I really didn’t give two fucks about how my body looked. Now I have had some time to really look at myself and decide that I want better for my body physically.

I have also been way more productive. I am a grade A procrastinator and I find that instead of putting off shit till later, I have been knocking it out right away. My work ethic has become stronger and I am way more focused on what I put into and want out of my work. Hell, for the first time in a long time, I have a few minutes to write for this site which I have been neglecting for quite some time.

This time has also given me a chance to really look at the relationships that I am in. Whether sexually or otherwise, I have really made changes for the better. I was in a half decade long dysfunctional sexual relationship which I have since distanced myself from. All around I feel that I am dealing or not dealing with the people in my life much more effectively and have a greater sense of peace.

I am definitely more organized, my house (spiritual and physical) are completely in order now and my life is less chaotic. I found that before I was a “slave” to sex and would stop what I was doing, blow off shit or procrastinate just for a few moments of physical pleasure.

One thing that has helped me on this journey is masturbation. I find that if I do that once a day, I’m totally cool. Especially if it’s early in the morning, I really feel like I’ve gotten it out the way so I can start my day and be productive.

I don’t know when I will have sex again and to be honest, I really could care less. I am very much at peace with myself. I’m not saying I can continue on this road forever, but it has been a very enlightening three months and I encourage you to try it at least once. You won’t go crazy, I promise!

 

Porn Equality

May 14, 2012 § Leave a comment

In a world of electronic self-expression, we have seen a surge in outright displays of hate and intolerance. Whether its of gays, minorities, and other groups, no one seems to be off limits. Not to mention that we as a society still have very rigid terms of beauty and appropriate body image.

There is one industry that has stood the test of time in acceptance of people of all ages (adults of course!), races, and abilities. That industry is porn. In the magnificent world of porn you can find people of all shapes, sizes, and colors. Porn doesn’t discriminate. It embraces people from all backgrounds.

Why has porn been such a staunch leader in equality? Think about it. What does porn cater to? Your fantasies. If you desire it, there is a porn film somewhere out there that caters to even the bizarrest of fantasies. Don’t believe me? Go search for the most outlandish shit and I bet you someone has it on film.

So this leads to the 64 million dollar question. If porn is so accepting of all people, why aren’t we as a society. I have a simple answer to that. Aside from maybe your partner, who do you confess your love of Indian girls, Latin boys, BBW’s, etc to? Probably no one. As a matter of fact, I would be willing to bet that if someone found your porn stash you would most likely deny that its yours! We have difficulty admitting to not only the fact that we enjoy an occasional skin flick, but what that movie might entail.

In terms of body image, porn has been accepting of all sizes and shapes. If you prefer petites, bbw’s, etc there are plenty of pornos to choose from. Porn is based in reality with a tinge of fantasy and that is why you won’t always see super model physiques on film. Porn has stuck up its middle finger to western society’s ideals of what is considered a beautiful body.

Society stands to learn a lot from the porn industry. Look at how many “real women” campaigns done in earnest by major brands that have fallen on deaf eyes. This is because we are so programmed into thinking that only a size 0 is acceptable. Not even a few years ago, a size 4 or 6 was the standard to meet so we are scrutinizing even more.

Another reason why we are not as publicly accepting as porn is because of what porn is itself. Porn has been considered dirty, immoral, wicked just to name a few. So the mere notion that we could take something good away from porn (except maybe an orgasm) is preposterous at best. It is a form of entertainment, but most don’t see it that way. It is looked upon as evil and those of us who partake in not only watching but creating our own are considered shameful.

We will only begin to be accepting of porn when we de-stigmatize it. If more people started an open, honest dialogue about porn, the stigma will slowly, but surely start to disappear. Then, and only might we not only be accepting of porn and its culture but of each other as well.

A Ladies Guide to Sucking Dick

May 7, 2012 § 3 Comments

Now there are some things that every young lady must know about the art of fellatio. And who better to tell you than the lovely Bare Kitten! So grab a pen and paper, bookmark this shit, download it, favorite it, memorize the holy fuck out this bitch because I’m about to tell you how to become a master at this art.

1. No two dicks are the same: What you do to one, you cannot do to all. Not all men like the same style of fellatio. Some prefer hard and fast while others are partial to slow and steady. Treating each dick like the last is a fatal error. Find out what he likes and accommodate him.

2. If you don’t feel like it, don’t do it: STOP! Right now. Call any guy you know and ask him if he likes a rushed or un-enthusiastic blowie. I would bet you my entire collection of sex toys that the answer is an emphatic NO! If you don’t feel like sucking it, don’t do it. Its not fair to either of you. And trust me, that is one thing you CANNOT fake. They know if you’re into it or not.

3. It takes practice: You may think there is no wrong way to suck a dick and you are dead ass wrong if you think so. To be a successful cock-sucker, you must practice. Now I’m not telling you to kneel before just anyone, but you can practice on just about anything that is phallis-shaped.

4. Watch porn: Aren’t you tired of hearing me say this? You should be watching porn regularly anyway. Watch porn so you can see how the pro’s do it. I don’t recommend copying exactly what the pro’s do, but you can get some good techniques and tips from them. After all, they do get paid to do just that!

5. Don’t forget the balls!: A lot of women neglect the balls because they get grossed out by them. First, make sure you have your dude clean/shave them properly then give them fuckers a good spit shine. Guys absolutely adore it when you show their balls the love they so desperately need.

6. Mind the teeth: You need to seriously be cognizant of your teeth when his dick is in your mouth. Some guys like a little grazing of the teeth on their dick, but no lie about 90% of guys hate that shit. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to get him to orgasm. You are delaying that orgasm if you use your teeth or do anything else that turns him off.

7. Keep it up: I mean his dick of course. Know what his turn offs are and DON’T I repeat don’t do them or guess what you will have to start over with a limp dick.

8. Talk to him: Well obviously not while you are sucking his dick. I mean before. Find out his likes/dislikes, turn on’s/turn off’s and you will save a lot of time on your knees and make him happy. Does he like your hair in a ponytail so he can grab it? Does he prefer to keep his pants on when you do it? Does he want honey drizzled on his dick for you to lick it off? You need to know all these things to be a successful dick-licker.

9. To swallow or not?: This is completely up to you. Don’t offer to do something you’re not comfortable doing. Do not do this for just anyone. However, this is the piece de resistance of dick sucking so if you’re down I guarantee he will love it. If your not fond of the taste, pump him full of pineapple (or another sweet fruit juice) before hand. You can also ask for a cue before he comes, shove it all the way to the back of your throat and you won’t taste a thing!

10. Give it your all: Follow steps 1-9, give it 100% effort, and most of all enjoy it. Slobbing the knob is actual a big turn on for some women and may help you achieve orgasm faster.

So ladies, now that you know how to properly suck a dick, break out the knee-pads, stretch out that jaw and get to slurping!

Sometimes Fact is better than Fiction…

April 24, 2012 § Leave a comment

So I’ve been saying that I am going to try my hand at fiction for the longest time. Let’s face it, I’m just not that damn creative. So what I’ve decided to do is a blend of my actual experiences patched together to make one cohesive fantasy piece based 100% in reality. So here goes…

I’m walking along the beach late in the afternoon and up ahead I see a dark, muscular gentleman in the water. I can tell that he’s attractive and I feel a little giddy and shy as I am getting closer to him. As I am getting closer, he starts to smile and starts walking out of the water. I’m enamored because his body, face, smile, everything about him looks perfect. He strikes up some small talk and we agree to meet up at a local party later that night. We never even exchanged names, just smiles and physique-assessing glances. I’m getting ready for this party, arrive and completely forget all about him. That is until I see him across the dance floor. He’s dressed in crisp, all white linen. We chat it up a bit, dance a few songs then decide we need some “quiet” time.

His house is a short walk away, so we make our way over there. When we get to the house, he realized that he has forgotten his keys. We can’t help getting started as were making out on the front porch while he’s figuring out how we are going to get in the house. After a few tense, excitable moments, he makes a crucial decision. He decides he needs to kick down the door to his house. In one of the most sexual expressions of male prowess and strength, he hikes up his pants a bit and kicks the door down. The door hits the floor and we are racing to the bedroom.

Our clothes magically disappear and before I know it, I’m face down in his crotch and he is face up in mine. We are scratching at each other, slapping and moaning in pleasure. He gets on top of me. I grab on to his muscular arms and gasp for breath as he tries to get inside. It hurts, but in the best way. He’s pulling on my hair and taking my breath away.

I grab at him and throw him on his back. There are no lights on in the room, but the moonlight peeking through the blinds leaves stripes on my back. That’s all he can see as I grab at the edge of the bed and his feet. He pulls me back so that my back is on his chest. He’s holding onto me like I would actually run away.

Then he says “on your knees”. I’m painting my face, mouth and the back of my throat with him. I climb back up on the bed. I’m bending over, clutching at a pillow as I know what’s coming. Every thrust feels better than the one before it. He stops and kneels behind me so that I can “get mine”.

He’s not finished with me yet as he picks me up off the bed. I wrap my arms around his neck, lock my legs around his waist and hold on for the ride. I’m biting on his delicious lips and hold on tight because this feels superb. I’m looking in his eyes because I know he can’t take much more.

He lays me back on the bed and snuggles between my legs. Every move is concentrated, deep, long as he continues his quest. I rake my nails up and down his back and as I feel him start to tense up, I squeeze every part of him and my kitten tighter. He let’s go of what he was trying to give me for that hour of bliss. We both collapse under the moonlight and relish in the aftermath of the pleasure we just experienced.

Well, hope you enjoyed the ride! I’m going to really work on writing fiction pieces, but I have so many good stories to tell I can hold off on making them up for the moment :)

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